Week 10-6/23/10-6/29/2010-A lot has happened this week. You were vaccinated and you weigh eleven pounds! Papa and I really contemplated this one. We did all the research and thought long and hard about it. We did not want to vaccinate you, but in these times, it turns out that it is better to. I was so nervous, Papa came with us to the pediatrician, who didn't even administer the vaccines. His nurse did. She was so terrible to you, so sadistic. You screamed louder than I had ever heard you. She wouldn't let me hold you during the shots. Afterward, you cried in my arms and wouldn't nurse right away. I cried too. We decided to never go back to that office. So I am in the process of finding pediatricians who believe in our child raising pedagogy. You were pretty groggy the rest of the day. That night was the first night since you were born that you didn't really sleep. The next night as well. Papa and I were pretty exhausted. After these few nights though, you began to sleep again. Thank G-d.

You still are not napping for more than fifteen, twenty minutes at a time. Papa tells me to nap with you, but it doesn't help you stay asleep and I get super grumpy when I can't sleep for long periods of time, so I decide it is better for me not to nap with you. When you are in the car with me and falling asleep, every time I stop at a red light you cry. When the car moves again, you fall back asleep. It is uncanny. Your cry is changing, now you sob instead of crying with one long breathless wail. And tears well from the corners of your eyes. Sometimes they trickle down your cheeks. I kiss them away. They are precious to me. Your bubble blowing has turned into full on drool that cascades down your little chin onto the neckline of your clothing.

Your nursing habits have changed. From the time you were born until a few weeks ago, you would make contented soft grunts while rubbing your face on my nipple, getting milk all over your face and neck. It was awesome! First the rubbing slowed down and now the grunting has pretty much ceased. Now you suckle and pull off, suckle and pull off and when you come back to suckle you enthusiastically latch on again. When you are full, your eyes fill with happiness and joy and you stick out your tongue and lick my nipple. I love it! This sacred time that you and I share with only each other. It is special beyond words.

You have outgrown most of your newborn cloth dipes and I must find you some size ones. I cannot believe you have grown so much. There is an entire cloth diaper community that I am slowing making my way into thanks to your Aunt Robin.

We had our first playdate this week with a friend of mine from work, Liz Kane. Her daughter, Emily is about four months old. We went over to their house and Liz held you and I held Emily. Emily was very interested in watching her mom hold you. You paid no attention to anybody but me. You fell asleep in my arms, so sweet. We will do it again when you are a little older!

Your birthday, April 14, is the yarzeith of my brother Jeffery. He was ten weeks old, exactly 77 days when he passed away. When you were born, it was as though Jeffrey's death suddenly made more sense to me. One baby left us so many years ago; one baby made her way into the world. I think that for my father, your birth, somehow gave him a sort of closure to Jeffery's untimely passing. When the nurses announced your birth date in the delivery room (after so many hours of intensity, you tend to lose track of the hours and days) my thought was of Jeffery, but it was fleeting. I found later that nobody wanted to tell me the significance of April 14th for fear of my concern, but I didn't find it ominous, rather a blessing that this day has now and will forever more be one of joy and life when for so many years it was one of tragedy and loss. My father told me of this day, that to him, it was a blessing. For Papa and me, it certainly is every day, this is the day that changed us in ways we could not have even begun to imagine.

You are 80 days old on July 2, 2010. You have outlived Jeffery by 3 days.
I love you.

Week 9-6/16-6/22-Hi little girl! You have begun to blow bubbles! It is adorable. When I try to touch them, you suck them back into your mouth. Later this week, you began drooling. I always thought it was sloppy when babies drooled, but, on you, it is like the sweetest juice that flows from the fruit trees in the Garden of Eden. Your hairline on the back of your head is growing up. So you are growing more hair, but still have downy fuzz on the top of your head. Did I ever tell you that Papa and I are shocked that your hair is silky brown? Both of us had blond curls when we were born. Papa had them throughout his childhood and I until about the age of three or so. Naturally, we expected you to be a blondie too, but you are a brunette. You move about. In the middle of the night often you will travel up and diagonal. It seems like this is practice for rolling over, which I am sure will come soon. I don't want you to change, I love each and every stage you go through, but every time you do something new, I am delighted. I want to purchase ear phones for you because it seems that noises are so loud. Papa says I am being too protective, and maybe he is right, but I do not want any harm to come to you. Anyway, this way we can take you to concerts and plays, which I want to go to!

Week 8-June 9-15-I cleaned the bathroom with Pine Sol and the scent permeated the entire bedroom where you are sleeping so I put you and Papa in the guest bedroom to sleep away from the odor and came back to the bedroom to write this post. Typing with two hands is definitely a luxury!

TWO MONTHS!!!!! You are such a big girl now. You don't fit into some of your newborn sized clothing, so I go clothing shopping with you. So much fun! So many cute outfits. Although I don't have any other babies to compare you with, from how clothing drapes on you, I surmise that you are a bit narrower, thinner than most babies your size. Everything is baggy on the sides, but fit you lengthwise. Grandma buys you pretty outfits that are a little large on you and I cannot believe that one day soon, you will fit into them and then outgrow them. I spend hours just looking at you trying to memorize every feature, every movement, every sound you make. Pictures and video don't capture your essence.

One day I put on your hat while you were in the stroller and you began to cry, but the hat looked so adorable that I laughed. You saw me laughing and immediately began to smile. I realized that you are beginning to be in sync with my moods and emotions. Another time, you wouldn't go down for a nap. About an hour into rocking and shhhh-ing you, I exasperatedly said, Ellie, go to sleep. You began to cry. I am certain I hurt your feelings with my tone. I am sorry, little girl. I will try to be kinder with my tone from now on. You pick up quickly. When Papa and I argue, you cry. We didn't know that a baby at such a young age would be this alert to her surroundings, although you are very sensitive to the elements, just like both of your parents.

Papa and I stay at my parents' house one night and you didn't want to take a nap; you are refusing your daytime naps at this point, and so Grandma tries to put you in the bouncer. You take to it like a fish to water. I am AMAZED! There are little toys dangling in front of you and you try to hit them with your hands. You succeed. Since you are smiling and cooing, my mom decides to put you in the swing and lo and behold, you actually like it. For at least 15 minutes. I have been trying to get you in the swing every other day since we brought you home. I cannot believe my eyes. When we come back to our home the next day I put you in the swing and you take to it again. Unbelievable!!!!!

A high school friend of mine, Katie Taylor, whose daughter just turned one, gives us a bag of clothing. In it are socks, your first pairs. We try on white ankle socks with a pink trim and pink and blue whales on them. So cute although I am a little sad to not be able to touch and look at your pretty toes. When you take a nap, one sock stays on and the other falls off. It took me a while to find it.

We sing head shoulders knees and toes every day on the changing table and you smile and smile and smile. We are beginning to get a routine established. Baths on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. We change into pajamas at around 5-6pm. I read a book to you before your afternoon nap and we go on walks at least once a day. You eat, have activity time, eat again, and then nap. Naps at this point last 30 minutes instead of the hour and thirty minutes that all of the books say you should be taking, but 30 minutes is better than no minutes. I am relishing my time with you. It is incredible to see how fast you are changing. I have never experienced anything like this before. I love you!

Papa and I have decided that I am going to take a leave of absence from work, so I can stay and be with you. You and I go to my classroom to pack my personal belongings and everybody comes to see you. They all ooh and ahh over you and think you are absolutely beautiful. I am a proud mama.

Week 7-June 2-8-Baby Girl! You are our sunlight! You are smiling more and growing so much. Your feet are huge! You don't like it anymore when we put on your hats, but soon recover from it. You still resist the swing, but are able to entertain yourself for longer periods of time when we put you down. I can usually get 15 minutes of free arm time when you are willing.....

Week 6-5/26-6/1-You weigh 9 pounds and 6 ounces! Papa and I host a Memorial Day Barbque. Your first. Everybody is delighted to meet you and tells us how beautiful you are. You are now saying a few more 'words' and as we are house-sitting for my folks, we take you outside a lot to look at the flowers and trees. You delight in feeling textures run across your hands and face. Your rash is finally clearing up and you seem more comfortable. I can tell you are ready to sleep because you yawn with a wide open mouth (we can see all the way to the back of your mouth) and rub your eyes. You don't settle down for naps easily at this point though and so I purchase a white noise machine. Day 1-it doesn't work, but do not worry, Mama is persistent and will continue to try. You do sleep comfortably in the sleepy wrap. You smile and coo more and more. Each time you do, my heart melts. I love you so much! Your hairline is darkening subtly now and we can see what shape your forehead will be. There is peach fuzz all over your head and long locks in the back. It has been this way since birth; it is just gradually growing in.

Week 5-Our baby has her first diaper rash! Drat those disposible diaps. I am so upset but this is what happens to many babies. I buy diaper creme. We will see if it works. Your little tush is so red and raw. It doesnt seem to really bother you though. You have gotten used to the gas but sometimes still cry out when it is particularly painful. It has affected your eating, you dont eat as much and your sleeping, sometimes you wake up after less than three hours. You slept for four hours once during the night. Your daytime naps are also shorter and you prefer to sleep in my arms, although I have discovered that you will sleep in the car seat if I put you there after you have fallen asleep in my arms. You do not like the swing or the co-sleeper although you will hang out in the co-sleeper, you wont even give the swing a chance. When I put you on your funky farmyard playgym, you now see the animals swinging gently above your head. I have decided to shower at night. It saves me so much time in the morning and I dont need to time it around anything. Papa watches you while I clean up.

Week 4-A month! Our baby is a month old. The wrap arrives. It works! You sleep in it and are warm and cozy. The only problem is I cannot fit you into it by myself. I need someone to place you in it while I stretch out the fabric around you. We take you to the strawberry festival, and you sleep until the very end, but when you wake, it is too cold and windy for a baby to be out and after you eat, we get you back into the car where it is warm and comfortable. I finally begin to relax about your breathing although I still check about every 10-15 minutes. You are now the size of a newborn and strong. I dont ride in the back with you anymore, that stopped at about 3 weeks, because you can keep your head from shaking side to side during bumpy car rides. I do turn around often to look at you, check your breathing and head position. Papa doesnt have a mirror in the back for me to see you so I will often hop from front seat to back while he is driving. In my car, I can see you in the mirror and hold your hand while I drive. You have begun to have gas and it is excruciating. You cry and cry. Papa and I do everything we can think of to ease the discomfort, but it doesnt really work. Our happy beautiful girl is so upset. I cry with you. I change my diet, we pump your legs back and forth, we rub your tummy and change your position. The doctor tells us nothing can be done, but we dont believe him and start asking people with babies what they have done. Also, you have discovered your tongue! You stick it out and roll it around it your mouth. I begin to put you on the funky farmyard playgym and you look up but dont really focus on the animals hanging above. Up until now, you have had the most perfect complexion, but now a nasty rash breaks out all over your face, head, neck and chest. I take you to the doctor and he tells me to put on hydrocortizone sparingly. I put it on once, but then we wait to see if it goes away on its own. You weigh 9 pounds 6 ounces, a far leap from the 5.15 at birth! You are so fussy, I break down and offer you a pacifier. I have two of my own, my mother brings over another two. All in all we try five different kinds; you take none of them. I am very happy about this. Once my mom tries to put one in your mouth and you zip your lips closed. Too funny. Another time, I place one in your mouth and your spit it across the room. Impressive!

Week 3-Your cries are now so loud, they pierce my ears. Our neighbors knocked on the wall one night when we couldnt get you to settle down. Your hands and feet are growing and you have a roll of fat in the back of your neck. Your cheeks are so plump. You look like a completely different child than the one we brought home with us a few weeks back. We begin tummy time and nakey time. Your happy place is on the changing table. You talk a lot, so much to say, so much to discover. When we sing to you, it settles you down. I can always tell when you are ready for nakey time to be over, because you always say the same thing right before you begin to cry, so I learn to dress and pick you up before the tears come. I drive for the first time with you and pull over about four times to get out and look at you, check your breathing and head position. It takes us about an hour to get to my parents' house, normally a fifteen minute drive. We stop the cloth diaps, everytime we put them on you cry and we dont like how they push out your legs. We will try again when you are older. We care for the environment, but we care for you more. You have begun tracking. You are too little to fit into the carrier so I order a wrap. We will see if it works, because I need to get things done around the house and I need my arms free.

Week 2-You are growing and getting stronger. When we swaddle you, you look like a little pea in its pod, with your bright eyes watching everything we do. You recognize my voice and turn your head to me. You are a good sleeper, about 3 hours at a time and a good eater, you take both breasts in one feeding. Feedings last about an hour. We are starting to use cloth diapers, but they are so bulky and they push your legs apart so we worry about your hip bones. Your little preemie clothing wont even close over the cloth diapers. When we change you, you move your arms and legs so much, it looks like you are running away. You are very active and alert. It seems that you are ready to get up and go, you just have to wait for your body to catch up with your desires. If I time it right, I can take a shower while you play in the co-sleeper. Sometimes though you get tired of being in there and I have to stop my shower to hold you. Once I had to get out of the shower three times to take care of you. I don't mean stop as in get out and get in, I mean I took three showers in one day, just so I could complete my shower routine.

Ellie's Newsflash


Week 1-4/14-4/20- You are such a tiny girl! 5 pounds 15 ounces. When we brought you home from the hospital, I sat in the back of the pathfinder holding your head. Everything was too large for you. The car seat, newborn diapers, newborn clothing. I sent Kumi out to buy you preemie sized clothing. Those fit, barely. I am obsessed with your breathing. I check every few minutes to make sure you still breath. When you stop for a few moments, I shake you gently. It is my worst fear, that possibility. When you cried, it sounded as though you were saying 'enough, enough'. We all tried changing your diaper as quickly as possible and offering you a boob as quickly as possible just to make those first cries of yours subside. You are our joy. Our beautiful angel princess.

You are an effervescent eater. You were able to latch on to me with no problem at all. The doctors and nurses let you and I be together for almost two hours before they took you to be weighed. The few times they needed you in the nursery, Papa or I went with you. You were never out of our sight. From the very first night you came into this world, we shared a bed. Frick and Frack, that is who we are...a package deal, not to be separated.