Week 10-6/23/10-6/29/2010-A lot has happened this week. You were vaccinated and you weigh eleven pounds! Papa and I really contemplated this one. We did all the research and thought long and hard about it. We did not want to vaccinate you, but in these times, it turns out that it is better to. I was so nervous, Papa came with us to the pediatrician, who didn't even administer the vaccines. His nurse did. She was so terrible to you, so sadistic. You screamed louder than I had ever heard you. She wouldn't let me hold you during the shots. Afterward, you cried in my arms and wouldn't nurse right away. I cried too. We decided to never go back to that office. So I am in the process of finding pediatricians who believe in our child raising pedagogy. You were pretty groggy the rest of the day. That night was the first night since you were born that you didn't really sleep. The next night as well. Papa and I were pretty exhausted. After these few nights though, you began to sleep again. Thank G-d.

You still are not napping for more than fifteen, twenty minutes at a time. Papa tells me to nap with you, but it doesn't help you stay asleep and I get super grumpy when I can't sleep for long periods of time, so I decide it is better for me not to nap with you. When you are in the car with me and falling asleep, every time I stop at a red light you cry. When the car moves again, you fall back asleep. It is uncanny. Your cry is changing, now you sob instead of crying with one long breathless wail. And tears well from the corners of your eyes. Sometimes they trickle down your cheeks. I kiss them away. They are precious to me. Your bubble blowing has turned into full on drool that cascades down your little chin onto the neckline of your clothing.

Your nursing habits have changed. From the time you were born until a few weeks ago, you would make contented soft grunts while rubbing your face on my nipple, getting milk all over your face and neck. It was awesome! First the rubbing slowed down and now the grunting has pretty much ceased. Now you suckle and pull off, suckle and pull off and when you come back to suckle you enthusiastically latch on again. When you are full, your eyes fill with happiness and joy and you stick out your tongue and lick my nipple. I love it! This sacred time that you and I share with only each other. It is special beyond words.

You have outgrown most of your newborn cloth dipes and I must find you some size ones. I cannot believe you have grown so much. There is an entire cloth diaper community that I am slowing making my way into thanks to your Aunt Robin.

We had our first playdate this week with a friend of mine from work, Liz Kane. Her daughter, Emily is about four months old. We went over to their house and Liz held you and I held Emily. Emily was very interested in watching her mom hold you. You paid no attention to anybody but me. You fell asleep in my arms, so sweet. We will do it again when you are a little older!

Your birthday, April 14, is the yarzeith of my brother Jeffery. He was ten weeks old, exactly 77 days when he passed away. When you were born, it was as though Jeffrey's death suddenly made more sense to me. One baby left us so many years ago; one baby made her way into the world. I think that for my father, your birth, somehow gave him a sort of closure to Jeffery's untimely passing. When the nurses announced your birth date in the delivery room (after so many hours of intensity, you tend to lose track of the hours and days) my thought was of Jeffery, but it was fleeting. I found later that nobody wanted to tell me the significance of April 14th for fear of my concern, but I didn't find it ominous, rather a blessing that this day has now and will forever more be one of joy and life when for so many years it was one of tragedy and loss. My father told me of this day, that to him, it was a blessing. For Papa and me, it certainly is every day, this is the day that changed us in ways we could not have even begun to imagine.

You are 80 days old on July 2, 2010. You have outlived Jeffery by 3 days.
I love you.